silence's Journal

sidewalks
it has been too long. for many things. for dreams to hold their meaning beyond the barrier of sleep and waking world. too long for a moment on the street corner to mean more than a glance and a shake. shoulders that hide behind eyes that hide within. and then i asked him if i looked cute and he said adorable. and never more cute then when i kick my leg out and laugh out loud.

it is far too late and has been far too long for any sense of obligation to hold true. over a year shouts the angry desire inside. let me out. let me have it. please let me hold the knowing just one last time. the fumbling fingers that offer hope and take away chance.

give me the moment in slow down. to a trick-ill. drip out the gaze.

Current Mood: contemplative

age and size
a loss of creativity?
a loss of a good enough reason to on?
or a simple miscalculation in the last set of digits?
eigther way i know now i will never up hold all of the dreams i was shared in the back of a worn out notebook.
faded into this over sized block of molded cheese.
molded out of remade promises.
mold- covered from an age i passed long ago.
not all aged cheese is finner in taste.
some of us get rusty even though not made of metal.

a slide of emotions. in words and actions. to forget about how much i miss you.
i miss you cuz i miss myself.
i miss myself cuz i am alone and confussed about what i want.
so i slide my emotions. hide them under meaningless phrases picked up by the youth to mean something they do not.

my hair curls in front of my eye. i laugh at it. realize agian how much i miss you. is it the comfort i felt with you that i miss.. or when i had you did i miss the drama and emotional pain. so i went hunting for it. and i found more then i can handle. people over others easy escapes from thier problems. and the human takes that easy out. milks it tell there is no more utter left to yank. i don't want milk..i am vegan now.

witty i once was. happy and full of life. he says i used to smile all the time. now i seem tortured...i feel worn out. i am tired...and this ends here...i can't express myself anymore...i am broken. no longer a free spirit..
take pride in your work..

Current Mood: annoyed

it's been awhile. too long. need to get back. find my nitch again. not the same nitch, not the same kind, a new one with new ribbons and sparkles and everything old yet new.

had a good time. best of my life. unless of course you count all the lives i had before. then there would be a debat. a big one over who was better. not in the sac (which sac the potato sac or the bed anyways)but over the experience and what was gained. that is what is important in the end right? gained,,,learned...dont' travel with people...do it alone. i am an alone person i like to be alone, not alone in the sense of locking myself in rooma and dumping my waste out the window cuz going out to do it might mean i have to see people. but the alone where, well the alone where, where, you know, people aren't always trying to tell you what to do and how to be cuz they are "with" you. oh i don't know i am just tired and rambeling.

should have been a boy. then i could sleep under all the blankets i wanted. all of my own. all of my friends...even those i say i don't want to.

Current Mood: annoyed

Take the Greek Goddess Test @ Rasberry Rain

funny isn't it how these little quizes just know everything about you..(note extreem sarcasim)

MEOW MEOW

Current Mood: awake

shhhhh...don't tell anybody....but i think he is the best in the whole world....but shhhh keep it a secret ok??

my belly hurts, ate something that had cheese in it and it made me sick. life is good, i can see how it will become real hard real soon. i don't like that but i am willing and ready to take it on full force...cuz no matter what i will be ok...everything will work out great.
used to have such fond things to say...must go drink water...

today i dream for tomarrow- what a waste of now
today i will get the oil changed in my truck..
today i will get another job...
today i will sell many material things i do not have any use for...
i wish i had someone to put lotion on my back everyday when i step out of the shower...
i wish i had someone to read with me late at night, watch silent films, and murmer stolen love sonnets too...
i wish i dream i will i want i can i have i am....i...such a selfish way to look at the world...i will awaken myself...each morning i will wake at 7 and find something new to learn and experience...i will no longer sleep tell my head hurts just to latch on to my dreams of the night before.

this will happen becuase i want for it to..because this is now and it only lasts while you stand face to face with your life.

today i am krista (strange how that name sounds now)
today i am a woman, a daughter, an ant, and not an illusion...
today this is my life, same as yesterday, same as tomarrow yet nothing similar...

so i am sooo excited..i am getting all the hostels figured out and soon very soon (as soon as i get my new cc) i will make all the stuff so i will have reservations so we can have a place to rest our heads at least try to...i just hope we are not to drunk the whole time so we can see all the beauty and take lots of pictures. i am soooo excited...i can't wait...i can't wait..i will be in debt for a long time after this trip but i don't care...cuz some day i will pay it off and then have all the good memories in place of some stupid material debt...we should be allowed to travel for much less...it is our world and we should all share it...with other people and more so the animals and plants..and yep i am damned tired and sick of siting..i need to do something else now...

Current Mood: excited

do you like me the way i am....do you want some more liquor?? then you can lose your shyness and come sit next to me.....yeah yeah...come sit next to me...smell me and tell me how much you adore me...i will return the favor ten fold....

Current Mood: drunk

yeah so sometimes i just stop showing up.
sometimes i don't answer my phone, the door or any other form of communication.
it is not that i am shuting off, or pushing others out...i just don't want to relate.
i get sick of the emotions involved in any sort of relationship, be it family, frineds or lovers.
having to deal with your own as well as others- i realize this makes me weaker and less developed. that does not bother me as much as dealing with people.
they make me sad, happy, confused, frustrated, and hurt beyond describtion everyday.
i was told to remain open so i can heal and find it. so i did...but it creats blindness. a condition in which i can no longer see the situation for how it is. i went from one extream to the next, such is my life. worry about the things people say, what about all the things they don't say. all the emotions they hide to try to ease a painfull situation.
which is better which is worse? which would you rather have? a relationship in which one cares and the other plays the keys of that effection? or to be alone, without the affection but also without the pain. or potential of.
i hide behind this wall, it makes it safe. i wish you did not know this part of me. i wish no one knew i was here. to be invisible has it's advantages. over whelmed with the possibilities, the ups and downs of it all....i make up my face each day to display how i think i should feel. hallow cells- shredding under the clothes of expectaions.

i use that word to much.....like i use the word emotion to discribe something i dont understand.

Current Mood: off

okso whatever...i knew it would happen someday...it is the same shit...always the same...i am not playing this not like this....you can lie and say it is just this and that but i know it is not...i know you have feelings for others more than me..i see and feel the change in the air, your eyes and the way you hug me....the looks of everyone and the lies that pretude from you mouth...that ugly fucking stupid mouth.....

i am just a stupid girl....nothing more than a stupid girl....so fucking go die....

i know...you can't tell me i don't... iknow what you are hiding...

you cant say i am crazy i am not crazy...i know...i know everything....god damn you fuck you i hate you....

people will one day learn not to fuck with me.....i am not blind, you compared to me can not see....not me....i know...i felt it....i saw it....i know it....fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...i like saying fuck.....don't touch me i will bite your fucking fingers off and force feed them to you....hahahahahahahahahahaha

Current Mood: rejected

i have become paraniod..i don't like it late at night when this happens..i think i hear other people walking around in my house...it scares me.

i don't trust people...especially lately...things just seem to good, i know something horrible is going to happen soon. i just hope it is something easily recovered from and not something permanent to someone i care for.
i can't seem to think straight again. damn it just when i was getting it all figured out.

when you look at a persons past you learn alot about them obviously. and when you really look at it you can apply (not the specific action but the behavior which comes in cycles) it to your own relationship. such as losing interest in sex after a year, or cheating. this is scary. sometimes people share to much and they don't realize it. sometimes late at night i think to much. or it could be that everytime i have had this feeling i was right about what was going on. and that sucks alot. cuz i was hoping just hoping that i could get through this time without it happening.
my belly hurts, not to complain, but this one is for me so if you don't like what i write here then don't add me...go fuck yourself then.
there is to much to do in my life to waste my time with someone like you..worring about what may happen if i don't call or show up. i am not your god damned servent. i am a freind and you should not expect me to be at your every call ready to please you.
sometimes i think about it and i don't trust you at all...i wish i did ...but there is a history there, one i can not nor am willing to ignore...i am tired so good night

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: azure ray

my eyes:
are all fuzzy...i must be going blind. if my eyes were of no use to me how would you view my soul?
It feels nice to have no hair, but in the morning it will return. my neck will once again look graceful.
my words here are safe. so long as no one finds me. please don't give me away. am i not worth more than the fruit which fills your belly?
i fear, it is my nature, to fear, what i am unsure of. i trust, i have no reason to not.
he is so sweet, i have been exposed.
words....silence...i need silence... i sit down to write, i have so much going on in my head but when i sit down- to write- ...............> empty is my hand.

Current Mood: peaceful

this time:
i can't say i warned you. cuz i didn't.
i won't just allow myself to be turned off by my own concern.
i will sleep long enough to open my eyes, but not too long.
when the time does come i will be honest and not try so hard to fill expectations.
when she looks as me so rudely i will give her the same respect.
i won't see you for two weeks, this may be the time i will need to get caught up in school.
i have so little in common with the one i want to share a bed with. that i have to force myself to not cry at night. ok that was a lie. but it almost sounds dramatic, which i am not feeling today.
i quit.

Current Mood: lonely

just shut up and get over your image
i don't recall the last time i was so annoyed....i have been iritable with most people lately..stop talking about your social life and how cool you are...you don't need to prove you have enough style to make it...or show the whole world how many band members you know or can screw...oh but you are sXe thats right you don't do that shit...grrrrrrrrrr...it is a sad state you must live in, or that we have come to in our society when what matters most is the sence you belong to as oppossed to your worth as an individual. you look like everyone else in your click, you act like them, you even smell like them. you are a cookie cutter image of the sence you belong to. no one but you and the rest of your insecure social whore for "friends" cares. get over it. you are a rip off of the corparate america you claim to hate so much. they created you by selling you the dye to color your hair, the cloths to show your "unique"ness with, and the jobs you depend on to buy all the crap you call valuable.
ok so i am only talking about a certain person really, who is getting on my last nerve. (not him).... but i am sure there are more out there. but- i am not reffering to certin people whom i know do their best to not support crap the government shoves in the face of the blind. by blind yes i mean the mass of the population. that is all

Current Mood: aggravated

i am not obsessed with you, i am not stuck on infatuation, i like you, you are the best.
it is not due to some chemical reaction, or based on a physical dependance.
i want to be next to you, i like hearing what you think, knowing what you have to say.
i like looking at your eyes, into your dirty ears at night. watching your lips move when you say my name, or the color your face turns when you....

i want to sing silly songs to you, just to watch you laugh.
i would drive across the country if it meant i could see you for just one second longer.
each time we say goodbye, and i wonder when i will see you next- my chest fills up with pain.

I am Left....
feeling disapointed.....
empty....
not validated....
un heard...

i no longer want to be dependant on anyone, but i have such little motivation to do any thing alone.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

i should just let go.....
of this idea that i am better than i really am.
of this idea of love.
of the believe that one day it will all go away and it will all work out in the end.
of you.....but i can't just yet.
of the thoughts- i know i will be left standing and bleeding....much worse then laying and crying.

perhaps it will flow from a gash to the face or a blow to the heart. go for the heart- please- the face may be the only thing i have left. to carry me through once our dream has opened it's eyes.

i am not happy- with the choices i have laid before me....take them away...clear the table...start over...give me something real to dream of. offer me your hand not your shadow. your kiss not a symbol. a warm embrace- please- just allow me the palpation of your emotions.
ahhhh is it too much to ask. for an ear instead of a fuck. a friend within a lover. more then what i had- more of what i need. not a want but first a need. what is a relationship without the understanding? or at least the effort of support. not a crutch- but a hand rail just in case you start to slip a little on your way from one level of life to the next.

i will bring you roses, dance in your ora- but i will not wait in the shadow of your past nor settle for less than what i give.

that is it...now i go on and live my life...

Current Mood: creative

Advertisement